nba musings

Elbows, techs and concussions – oh my!
This conversation I had with my mother will tell you everything you need to know about how I feel about last night’s game:

Mom: I better never catch anyone in this family cheering for the Orlando Magic during the regular season ever again. You will be disowned.
Me: Oh you won’t. They are dead to me. DEAD! Forever dead, dead, toe up in the grave, dead.
Mom: Good. Even J.J.?
Me: *silence*
Mom: Even that little pisher, J.J. Redick, right?! Right!?
Me: Yes, ok. He can suck it too.
Mom: If those damn Magic somehow make it to the finals, I swear… I’ll root for the…
Me: The Lakers? Yes, me too. Just like last year.
Mom: What?! No, I was going to say the Suns.

*silence*

Mom: You rooted for the Lakers last year?
Me: Over the Magic, yes.
Mom: Jesus.

That’s right. I’d rather root for Satan’s basketball team. So there.

I’ve always liked Matt Barnes. Generally speaking, I love tough players that don’t take any crap from anyone. But, seriously? You can’t be a little more subtle than to literally body check an opposing player into your own bench? Hell, into your own coach?! Tsk tsk. I haven’t seen anything so ridiculous since Lamar Odom tackled Ray Allen out of bounds in ’08. Kudos to Rondo and the team for quickly getting over there to retrieve KG before he went apocalyptic. I guess that’s what happens though when you announce to anyone who will listen that you want to guard Paul Pierce and then forget to show up and actually, you know, guard him. Pretty embarrassing, I would imagine. But, dude seriously, loose ball? Like the loose ball Robert Horry was going for?

In case you missed it:

Last night was epic. There were so many outstanding moments that I just have to document them so I can check back on this post a year from now and chuckle again. Without further ado, here are the highlights:

1. Pre-draft lottery drawing, New Jersey Nets owner announces intention to burglarize New York:

Zee? It vill be zimple. (Also, I decided dude’s name was too hard to spell, so I’ve dubbed him “Pornocough.”)

2. During draft lottery, Danny Granger makes it clear that he lacks a poker face:

Credit: Image from the amazing @jose3030′s Twitpic gallery

I couldn’t find a clip on YouTube showing Granger’s reaction when the Pacers pick was selected, but it was awesome. He carried on like he just found out he was going to have to eat nothing but turd sandwiches for the rest of his life.

For more lottery fun, check out Doc Funk’s Draft Lottery Captions…

3. During the game, this happens:

[There was a YouTube video here of Paul Pierce getting decked during the game. The man must've put the kibosh on the video due to copyright issues.]

Cue the wheelchair jokes on Twitter! So original.

4. Not exactly malice at the palace, but… NBA referee scraps with fan:

5. Dwight tries to plead his case to Stan, who has a classic reaction to it:

Credit: Another @jose3030 masterpiece. Click pic to see the hi quality GIF.

6. Post-game interview, The Truth gives the fans a little wink:

Paul Pierce, you sexy bastard, getting all winky. *wolf whistle*

7. Then tweets a bunch of shit via telepathy and reporters pass it on to Dwight Howard as fact:

Ok, I get that he got bad information and was thrown off-guard by the supposed diss, but still… It’s only two games, huh? You mean the first two? On your home court? Those two? Well, Superman wears Paul Pierce pajamas. Zing!   

I’m sure there were more great moments that I can’t remember right now. If I think of them, I’ll update the post. But, all in all last night has to be one of my favorite NBA nights of this or any season. Well, maybe not as great as transcribing Steph’s crazy rantings for 14-15 hours straight… what could top that?

I’m with Ron Artest’s barber… Boogie is his name
* I thought Ron Artest’s hair was tremendous. As was the sideline interview with “Boogie” the barber. “I’m with Ron Arest’s barber. Boogie is his name…” Boogie FTW!

Unfortunately, he’s shaved it already and now he looks like he has tattoos on his head. Which reminds me of… someone.

Speaking of Ron, I really miss watching him defend Kobe (or try to). Their interactions were highly entertaining last season. I guess Matt Barnes is picking up the mantle though.

Now that you mention it… where is Raja Bell these days?

The Orlando Magic have made big strides
* It’s taken quite some time, but the Orlando Magic have finally earned my respect. I’m still not completely sure they would beat the Lakers in a 7 game series, but I’m absolutely convinced if they play the Cavs in the conference finals, they’ll win. This season has a very deja vu type quality to me when it comes to the top teams in the East. The Celtics are again coming off injuries, the Cavs are cleaning up in the regular season and the Magic are quietly sitting in the top 3. Come playoff time, the Cavs are going to be overconfident as they easily cut through the garbage teams on the way to the ECF, but once they get there they won’t know how to handle a team that plays defense and has more composure when the pressure is really on. That’s my prediction, but if the Cavs can get past the ECF this season, maybe they’ll earn my respect too.

NASCAR’s rules are a joke
* I can’t believe NASCAR is only giving Carl Edwards a slap on the wrist for flagrantly wrecking Brad Keselowski on purpose this past Sunday. I’m also calling bullshit on their “Have at it, boys” mantra this season. You want to know what “Have at it, boys” is really all about? They should have called it the “our sport is dying because nobody on the track (especially Dale Jr.) is good enough to beat Jimmie Johnson for a Sprint Cup championship and the fans are picking up all their marbles and going home, so go ahead and wreck each other if it will pacify them” rule. To add insult to injury, Carl drives for Roush Fenway. Boooo!

Just read this gem in today’s ESPN.com Hollinger chat:

Chris (Nevada)

Best in East in order 1) Magic 2) Celts 3) Cleveland. Tell me im correct

John Hollinger  (3:07 PM)

I think it’s basically a dead heat between Orlando and Cleveland at the top; I have to pick one of them eventually but will take my sweet time. Boston to me is clearly third in the pecking order based on their age issues and the uncertainty with how Garnett can come back. The other oddity about the East is the rock-paper-scissors nature of the match-ups last season — Orlando beats Cleveland, Cleveland beats Boston, Boston beats Orlando. If that holds up this season, playoff seedings could matter even more than usual.

Oh no he didn’t! Thems fightin’ words baby!

How can Stan Van Gundy whine about not being respected when all these mainstream sports honks are ranking his team above the Celtics? My main issue with all this ranking bs is that its impossible to tell yet how these teams’ new additions are going to pan out. The Shaq & LeBron major monster ego collide could be a disaster. Vince Carter could tear an ACL or get a hangnail. Sheed could punch a ref. Come on now. It’s completely unpredictable!

I realize they get paid to make predictions, but I just don’t see how you put the Boston Celtics third. The team is stacked. Like built-for-another-championship stacked. Maybe, just maybe, I can handle being ranked behind the Cavs, for now… but the Magic? Uh uh. I’m not buying it. No wait, I’m gonna backtrack. I can’t handle being ranked behind the Cavs either.

Grrr! This season can’t start soon enough for me… Hopefully, we’ll quickly separate the chaff from the wheat! Bring. it. on.

ps. Celtics tix went on sale today, but I’m holding off. Last season, I bought 4 tix within the first 2 minutes they went on sale and they were the worst seats in the history of awful seats. I’m going to wait this season and try and grab some better seats that season ticket holders want to sell.

I really wish Danny Ainge would shut his piehole. I was confused for a little while about what the hell was going on with all these Rondo trade rumors and now I’m more convinced than ever that Danny is just trying to put the Celtics in the best position to re-sign Rondo without having to pay him what he’s going to inevitably ask for. It reminds me a little too much of how he handled KG’s injury and a comment he made about how the office was trying to be like Belichick.

Bitch, please.

Danny, I served with Bill Belichick: I knew Bill Belichick; Bill Belichick was a friend of mine. Danny Ainge, you’re no Bill Belichick.

In other news, the Celtics haven’t made any big moves yet (unless you count drafting some kid last night with the 58th pick), but the Cavs and the Magic sure did. Vince Carter, huh? Answer me this Orlando, if Vince falls on the ground and clutches his hammy, whatcha gonna do? a.) run over and help him; b.) act like he’s dead to you and follow the action down the other end of the court; c) wait for him or Dwight Howard to yell, “Chuck! Aaaaargh!”?

Shaq to Cleveland will be interesting to watch. Shaq is entertaining, but I’m beginning to think he has a big screw loose. During last night’s draft, he said that he and LeBron were having “mental conversations.” What the hell? Bizarre shit. Just sayin.

For more of my thoughts on the Shaq trade, visit The No-Look Pass blog. The blog’s head honcho, Rey-Rey, interviewed me and three other “chicks who love hoops.” Check it out… (For the record, I only throw remote controls at Tarheel fans… and my mom sometimes… because she’s a Tarheel fan. Go Blue Devils.)

Related news:

• Red’s Army: “We value Rondo more than anyone else in the league”
• Third Quarter Collapse: The Morning After: Air Canada Lands In Orlando
• Fear the Sword: Ok, so, Shaquille O’Neal needs a nickname!!!
• The No-Look Pass: Talking To Chicks Who Love Hoops: The Big Trade Piece

NBA Finals Game 5
Lakers @ Magic 99-86

I was afraid, but not surprised, that this would be a short series. Kobe and Co. wanted this bad and the Magic just weren’t ready. A few thoughts, bullet-style:

• It amazes me how pundits continue to put words in Kobe’s mouth. This morning, I heard a morning show honk say that, “Kobe said he was so relieved to finally prove that he could win without Shaq!” Um no. That’s not what he said. He said, and I’m paraphrasing here, that he’s relieved that idiots would finally have to stop asking him about winning a title without Shaq. That’s two different things.
• As brilliant as Kobe was during the finals, I’m surprised more wasn’t made about Trevor Ariza’s contribution. He was major.
• I heard Magic championship gear was not even produced. That’s cold. Usually gear from the losing team gets produced and then shipped to a third world country. I do believe there are some poor children on the other side of the world wearing 2008 New England Patriots gear. Ouch.
• I feel bad for Adam Morrison. He was horribly overrated coming out of college, but that’s not his fault. Blame a weak ass draft class. Everybody’s making a big deal about him getting a ring while sitting on the bench in a suit, but what’s he supposed to do? He’s not the first guy to get a ring without making much of a contribution *cough Scot Pollard cough*. It happens all the time.
• What was up with Shaq tweeting his head off last night after the game? Sample: “Congratualtions [sic] kobe, u deserve it. You played great . Enjoy it my man enjoy it. And I know what yur sayin rt now “Shaq how my ass taste”You know. Somehow, I really don’t think Kobe was saying that. I think Kobe wants to win the championship every year and it has nothing to do with Shaq. In fact, he probably has a hard time playing checkers with his daughters without yelling, “In your face!” at them. He’s that competitive.
• Dwight Howard tweeted, “[...]kobe congrats. u inspired me.” I hope Kobe did inspire Dwight. I think Dwight needs to develop the one thing Patrick Ewing probably can’t help him with, his head. He needs a healthy dose of killer instinct.
• I’m really REALLY really going to miss the NBA season. Even though this season didn’t end the way I wanted it to, it was a lot of fun. I’m going to try to find something to keep blogging about so my site doesn’t turn into a rotting cadaver of stale posts… maybe I’ll have to start caring about the draft now.

NBA Finals Game 4
Lakers @ Magic 99-91/OT

If I start talking about this game, I’m going to end up swimming way out deep into hater lake without a life raft and I really don’t want to do that. I’ll let these pictures speak for me.

Don’t like that? How about this?

Come on Magic, don’t let me do you like this…

Dear Orlando,

You know there’s only one way to stop me, right? Win the next 3 games. For the love of Leon Powe and all that is holy and right with the world, do not go out like this. As much as I want to be right when I make a prediction (Lakers in 5), I really want to be wrong this time. I’m already going into hardcore NBA separation anxiety, so it would really help if you could stretch it to 7.

Love,
me

ps. Fix your point guard problems between tonight and tomorrow, ok? Ok, then.

NBA Finals Game 3
Lakers @ Magic 108-104

I’ll keep this short and sweet. The Magic shot an UNGODLY percentage and only won by 4. Kobe was gassed. Like Paul Pierce game 7 gassed. I expect the Lakers to win the next two and head home for the parade they’ve been planning since this time last year. Props to the Magic for winning their very first finals game ever though. Wow. First finals game ever. They have a lot of catching up to do. I have no doubt when and if Dwight becomes the player he could be, that they’ll start raising banners in O-town — I just don’t think it’ll be this year. Or next. Not much else to say about that. If the Magic win tonight, I guess I’ll have to issue a mea culpa in the morning. The Magic are fun to watch though and Courtney Lee has certainly made a name for himself this post-season. Please to enjoy…

“Courtney Lee, the rookie out of Western Kentucky”

Drafted by the Orlando Magic (1st round, pick 22).

Welcome to summer league, rook.

It’s a long season.

Before Dwight maimed me with his wild elbows…

After. I’m still pretty under this Rip Hamilton Halloween costume, I swear.

Chillin with the fans… matchy matchy with my shirt & shades.

The ladies love me.