nba musings

Elbows, techs and concussions – oh my!
This conversation I had with my mother will tell you everything you need to know about how I feel about last night’s game:

Mom: I better never catch anyone in this family cheering for the Orlando Magic during the regular season ever again. You will be disowned.
Me: Oh you won’t. They are dead to me. DEAD! Forever dead, dead, toe up in the grave, dead.
Mom: Good. Even J.J.?
Me: *silence*
Mom: Even that little pisher, J.J. Redick, right?! Right!?
Me: Yes, ok. He can suck it too.
Mom: If those damn Magic somehow make it to the finals, I swear… I’ll root for the…
Me: The Lakers? Yes, me too. Just like last year.
Mom: What?! No, I was going to say the Suns.

*silence*

Mom: You rooted for the Lakers last year?
Me: Over the Magic, yes.
Mom: Jesus.

That’s right. I’d rather root for Satan’s basketball team. So there.

Last night was epic. There were so many outstanding moments that I just have to document them so I can check back on this post a year from now and chuckle again. Without further ado, here are the highlights:

1. Pre-draft lottery drawing, New Jersey Nets owner announces intention to burglarize New York:

Zee? It vill be zimple. (Also, I decided dude’s name was too hard to spell, so I’ve dubbed him “Pornocough.”)

2. During draft lottery, Danny Granger makes it clear that he lacks a poker face:

Credit: Image from the amazing @jose3030′s Twitpic gallery

I couldn’t find a clip on YouTube showing Granger’s reaction when the Pacers pick was selected, but it was awesome. He carried on like he just found out he was going to have to eat nothing but turd sandwiches for the rest of his life.

For more lottery fun, check out Doc Funk’s Draft Lottery Captions…

3. During the game, this happens:

[There was a YouTube video here of Paul Pierce getting decked during the game. The man must've put the kibosh on the video due to copyright issues.]

Cue the wheelchair jokes on Twitter! So original.

4. Not exactly malice at the palace, but… NBA referee scraps with fan:

5. Dwight tries to plead his case to Stan, who has a classic reaction to it:

Credit: Another @jose3030 masterpiece. Click pic to see the hi quality GIF.

6. Post-game interview, The Truth gives the fans a little wink:

Paul Pierce, you sexy bastard, getting all winky. *wolf whistle*

7. Then tweets a bunch of shit via telepathy and reporters pass it on to Dwight Howard as fact:

Ok, I get that he got bad information and was thrown off-guard by the supposed diss, but still… It’s only two games, huh? You mean the first two? On your home court? Those two? Well, Superman wears Paul Pierce pajamas. Zing!   

I’m sure there were more great moments that I can’t remember right now. If I think of them, I’ll update the post. But, all in all last night has to be one of my favorite NBA nights of this or any season. Well, maybe not as great as transcribing Steph’s crazy rantings for 14-15 hours straight… what could top that?

NBA Finals Game 5
Lakers @ Magic 99-86

I was afraid, but not surprised, that this would be a short series. Kobe and Co. wanted this bad and the Magic just weren’t ready. A few thoughts, bullet-style:

• It amazes me how pundits continue to put words in Kobe’s mouth. This morning, I heard a morning show honk say that, “Kobe said he was so relieved to finally prove that he could win without Shaq!” Um no. That’s not what he said. He said, and I’m paraphrasing here, that he’s relieved that idiots would finally have to stop asking him about winning a title without Shaq. That’s two different things.
• As brilliant as Kobe was during the finals, I’m surprised more wasn’t made about Trevor Ariza’s contribution. He was major.
• I heard Magic championship gear was not even produced. That’s cold. Usually gear from the losing team gets produced and then shipped to a third world country. I do believe there are some poor children on the other side of the world wearing 2008 New England Patriots gear. Ouch.
• I feel bad for Adam Morrison. He was horribly overrated coming out of college, but that’s not his fault. Blame a weak ass draft class. Everybody’s making a big deal about him getting a ring while sitting on the bench in a suit, but what’s he supposed to do? He’s not the first guy to get a ring without making much of a contribution *cough Scot Pollard cough*. It happens all the time.
• What was up with Shaq tweeting his head off last night after the game? Sample: “Congratualtions [sic] kobe, u deserve it. You played great . Enjoy it my man enjoy it. And I know what yur sayin rt now “Shaq how my ass taste”You know. Somehow, I really don’t think Kobe was saying that. I think Kobe wants to win the championship every year and it has nothing to do with Shaq. In fact, he probably has a hard time playing checkers with his daughters without yelling, “In your face!” at them. He’s that competitive.
• Dwight Howard tweeted, “[...]kobe congrats. u inspired me.” I hope Kobe did inspire Dwight. I think Dwight needs to develop the one thing Patrick Ewing probably can’t help him with, his head. He needs a healthy dose of killer instinct.
• I’m really REALLY really going to miss the NBA season. Even though this season didn’t end the way I wanted it to, it was a lot of fun. I’m going to try to find something to keep blogging about so my site doesn’t turn into a rotting cadaver of stale posts… maybe I’ll have to start caring about the draft now.

NBA Finals Game 1
Lakers v. Magic 100-75

This game was a classic “die by the 3″ game. The Lakers defense was part of it, but the Magic also missed a ton of wide open shots. Simply put, the Magic are who we thought they were. The key to me was how the Lakers controlled Dwight. When Dwight can be controlled, the Magic are toast. I’ve read this book before. More than that though, Kobe was just a monster. He had a psycho look in his eye and as I said before this series started, there’s no way he’s not going to avenge last season’s finals. I’m sure the Magic will heat up and probably aren’t going to get swept. Past that though, I’m not sure how long this series can go.

It amused me that right before the game, David Stern announced that he was fining LeBron $25k for not speaking to the media. Strange that he had four off-days where he could’ve announced that, but instead waited until right before game 1. I’m sure LeBron won’t miss that $25k since that kind of money has to be cushion change to him. It was interesting to me when Stern said that LeBron would come and speak out about this at a later date. Why? He already spoke out about it last Sunday when he said he did nothing wrong. So now we are supposed to be sitting here waiting with bated breath for him to come BACK out and change his tune? Like, oh ok, NOW he’s sorry. NOW he realizes it was wrong. Ridiculous. I think the whole thing was overblown, but I also think LeBron’s first instincts and first comments were the truth. He’s spoiled and a bad sport. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t want to hear another thing he has to say on the subject because spin control makes me cranky.

In other news, apparently KG is making championship guarantees for the next two seasons. Sigh. Oh KG, why do you do this to me? Not long ago, I stated that only chumps make guarantees. I would never call you a chump… but, cut it out.

Recent postings from around the blogosphere:

• Talk Hoops/Both Teams Played Hard – Cross Polination: Emails With Both Teams Played Hard, NBA Finals Preview | Talking Hoops with Talk Hoops: Vol. III (Zach & Jared are hilarious and a great team. Read volume 3 and then check the archives for 1 & 2. They are lengthy, so you’ll need a little time to read everything, but it’s worth every minute.)
• Heels on Hardwood – NBA Withdrawal: 10 Paperbacks for the Basketball Fan (Nat’s lists have been literally rocking my world. Read this post and then be sure to check all of her other great hoops-related recommendations.)
• The No-Look Pass – Chronicles Of Crotty #19: Come Clean (The latest podcast from Rey-Rey and his SoCal posse of Clips/Lakers fans. Check this one out and then be sure to backtrack through the archives. The guys have a lot of fun while sharing their insights on the game.)

Oh and ps. Found out last night that Kobe is Larry Bird’s favorite player. Why don’t you just tell me that Derek Jeter is Jim Rice’s favorite player while you’re at it.

Cavs v. Magic 112-102

1. They won by 10. But… nobody blows a big lead like the Cleveland Cavaliers. I honestly feel sorry for their fans. I can’t imagine never being able to be comfortable for an entire game no matter how many points up my team is.
2. It’s strange seeing the Cavs as the underdog and the Magic as the confident frontrunner. I feel like I fell down Alice’s rabbit hole.
3. Nobody smiles more, no matter what the situation, than Dwight Howard. Jump hook – big smile, slam dunk – huge smile, foul called against him – smirky smile, fouls out of the game – bemused smile, elbows a dude in the face – who me? smile.

Lakers v. Nuggets 104-93

Lamar Odom likes candy… A lot of candy.

Source: YouTube/Lakernation024

It amuses me that Lamar has a man servant who stocks up his luxury automobile with piles of candy. It makes me wonder what he was like as a kid at Halloween. Probably had ten different costumes and hit up all the houses in his neighborhood over and over until their supply of gummy worms and reese’s cups ran out.

Oh yeah, the game. Well, it was a’ight. I vaguely remember the Nuggets keeping it close and then coughing it up sometime in the 2nd half. Both of these teams play better at home, which bodes well for Lakers winning in 7 at Staples. But, we’ll see. If the Nuggets implode maybe it’ll be in 6.

Cavs @ Magic 89-99

I have mixed feelings about these games.

On the one hand, I really did want someone to knock the Cavs on their ass. They were just way too pleased with themselves this year between the pre-game picture pose crap and the starters dancing on the bench to Rick Astley at the end of games like the good days were just never going to end. Oh they end all right. They end. I know that my team talked their own trash and did their own dancing in 2008, but it never came easy. Never. The Celtics had to fight their way past the Hawks and then Cavs before they got to the ECF. They didn’t just breeze through them in consecutive sweeps. There is just something obnoxious about the way the Cavs arrived at their own ECF and I think now that they’re here, they have few supporters left outside of Cleveland. I know, I know… What were they supposed to do? Lose? Not be happy? I don’t know. I think it’s all about the way you celebrate and the way you rub it in. They did a little too much of both. Over this past season, I’ve seen the tide turn against them — mainly LeBron actually — and now that it’s turned, it’s like a mean spirited tidal wave. People just can’t wait to see LeBron fail. People appreciate a talented athlete, but they don’t want one that’s built up to be a messiah before he’s even won any championships.

The Magic on the other hand, are playing the “nobody respects us” card to the hilt. Something about that makes me want to punch them in the neck too. Just shut the hell up. Win something and then people will respect you. It really is that easy. Shut up and win. Two things I really wish Dwight Howard would stop doing. 1) Grabbing the ball, putting his head down, and “bull”-ing his way to the basket. That should be a foul every time and it’s only called about half the time. Everybody bitches about LeBron getting away with fouls, well he’s not the only one. 2) Swinging his elbows around wildly when he’s grabbing rebounds. He does this all the time and it’s incredibly dangerous. Thankfully he’s mostly only injured his own teammates thus far, but soon enough he’s going to to hurt someone who matters… Like Perk or Leon.

I’m kind of back to not cheering for either of these teams. Which is really as it should be. When it comes down to it, they’re both my mortal enemy.

Related news:

• CBSSports.com: Magic’s dirty little tricks becoming annoying habit
• Red’s Army: Breaking News: The Magic Feel Disrespected
• Orlando Sentinel: LeBron James hype is out of control
• Hornets Hype: The Discourse of Lebron.

I watch a ton of NBA games, but during the season I tend to wear my green colored glasses and focus all my energy on my beloved Boston Celtics. Since they are now fishing in Dingle, Ireland, I have time to ponder other teams and players.

1. I want to stab my eardrums with a rusty fork every time I hear Kanye’s “Amazing”… overkill. Just stop it.
2. I’m really glad I don’t have to watch those tiny bus commercials anymore.
3. I can’t decide if I think those Kobe/Lebron puppet commercials are funny or the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
4. The Spike Lee documentary, “Kobe Doin’ Work” was the biggest waste of an hour and a half I’ll ever spend. Watching Kobe try and craft/manipulate his legacy just puts me in a bad mood. I hate it when people try to disguise PR as something else. It insults my intelligence.
5. I don’t like Dwight Howard. There, I said it. Most people think he’s a lovable manchild. I think he’s an immature buck passer with crappy leadership skills. I’ve been watching him for 3 years and he’s only marginally matured in that time. On the other hand, I love pretty much everyone else on his team.
6. The Kobe v. Lebron debate bores me, but for the record, Kobe is still the best player in the game and it isn’t even close. Jerry West is smoking the crack.
7. Following Jeanie Buss on Twitter is the best entertainment ever. First of all, this is her icon  Um, nice balls? Secondly, most of her tweets are like a red carpet celebrity roll call. Here’s a sample tweet: @JeanieBuss: John Mayer is here – girls going crazy. really?? I am forever a JT girl!!! Lol. That’s solid entertainment right there. I don’t care who ya are.
8. Do you ever bolt upright in bed in the middle of the night in a sweat and think, “I want — no! — I need to see Lamar Odom in a fly vest and suit hoodie! NOW!” Well, Hornets Hype has all you can handle. Behold…

Dwight Howard seems like a nice enough guy, so I really didn’t want to pull out the big guns. But, considering he forced a game 7 against my team and GUARANTEED a series win, he really left me no choice. No choice at all.

Here kitty kitty… I’ve got something for you.

An entire arena filled with GREEN! Consider it your kryptonite and go away quietly so we can take on the monster that is Lebron. I saved my duct tape, hypnotizing wheel, and voodoo doll from last season, so I have everything I need to handle him.

If that doesn’t work, maybe this guy can help us out:

I’m hearing Patrick Ewing is guaranteeing a Magic win over the Celtics too. What’s in the water down there in Florida? From Dwight, it’s false bravado, but from an assistant coach, it’s pretty bush league. You can’t guarantee wins at this level. I wouldn’t guarantee a win when we were playing the Clippers earlier this season and we were the defending champs. Good for me that I didn’t, because we lost that game. Any team can lose on any night. Certain teams have a higher probability, obviously, but anything can happen. That’s why only chumps make guarantees.

Related news:

• WEEI: Ewing Guarantees Victory over Celtics
• Boston Globe: Rivers smiles about Ewing’s prediction

 Celtics @ Magic 82-84

When I afterthought these games, I do so with the assumption that anyone reading this has already either seen or heard about the game. Heck, I’m lucky if they even remember the game by the time I get around to discussing it. So, I won’t bother breaking down plays and get right into what I think this game means.

Nothing.

Flip the results, the Celtics win by 2, it means even less. Ok, why not? Why doesn’t anyone respect the Magic? Why doesn’t anyone give them the credit they so richly deserve? I’ll tell you why. They’re a good team. They were supposed to win at home. That’s not impressive. They have a better record now than the Celtics, doesn’t that mean something? No.

Why not?

Because I still don’t think they play consistently enough on defense or demonstrate enough mental toughness in crunch time situations. I don’t think there’s any team out there that says, “Oh $h*t, we have to play the Magic tonight. We have no chance.” They think, “$h*t, we have to play Dwight Howard tonight. Let’s work on shutting him down and make sure we cover the 3-pt shooters like a blanket.”

I like the Magic. I would be happy for them if they became an elite team. They’re very close, but I just don’t think they’re there yet. I also think they better pray to Mickey Mouse, Goofy and all that are holy that they don’t draw the Detroit Pistons in the first round. These aren’t your daddy’s Pistons, but I still think they could hurt (and possibly sweep) Orlando. That being said, I do think the Magic are closer than they’ve ever been. I do respect their talent and do think they can become a scary Eastern conference team. Hopefully, that’s enough respect for Stan… who’s turning into Rodney Dangerfield.