There are just so many things wrong with this picture that I don’t even know where to start. Wait, yes I do… Why does Tom Brady look like a 32-year-old Justin Bieber? 
I had a horrible nightmare over the weekend, where the following events occurred:
Oh and right before I woke up screaming, I could have sworn I also dreamt that Charles Barkley was starring in some really cringily racist episodes of MacGyver.
So in conclusion, birds and bees ruined my weekend.
Blah! 
I’m going to start keeping track of all the athletes who become an enemy of this blog. The inaugural nbamusings.com enemy of the blog is…
*drumroll*
Bernard “Patriots Kryptonite” Pollard
Hey Bernie. Can I call you Bernie? Fuck you, I’m calling you Bernie. I know you have a cute little fan club and everything and in some douchebag circles you’re some kind of folk hero for taking out Tom Brady. That’s all fine and dandy. I didn’t say a peep about it at the time, even if I did quietly pray every night for an entire season that you’d get hit by a Mack truck. But seriously now — and I am serious as a heart attack — stop being my team’s kryptonite. Yeah yeah, you have to play the game… help your team win… Yada yada yada. Shut it.
I’m watching you.
*points fingers at eyes and back in Pollard’s direction*
Here is what the muse™ is thinking about this week:
Rondo gets paid
* So Rajon Rondo may like to fight with people. I’m ready and willing to admit that it’s a distinct possibility that he’s a tiny bit of a douchbag. But, you know what? He’s our douchebag and we’re keeping him!
Is there anything more obnoxious than Favre-cam?
* I have to hand it to Brett Favre. He really stuck it to Green Bay. I keep rooting for him to lose and somehow the old bastard just keeps on winning. I’m not even sure exactly why I’m rooting for him lose. It’s just that somewhere along the way, he turned into the bad guy. Over-exposure maybe? The mother-bleeping Favre-cam maybe? Oh yeah, that’s right… Now, I remember.
For every incident they admit, there are at least ten more they don’t
* This Tom Cable story just gets sicker and sicker. He doesn’t just knock assistant coaches around, he beats wives and girlfriends too?
“More than 20 years ago, during my first marriage… I became very angry [at his first wife, Sandy] and slapped her with an open hand. What I did was wrong and I have regretted and felt sorrow about that moment ever since…”
Slapped her with an open hand, huh? Sure, Tom, sure. Major props to the district attorney’s office for dropping those recent assault charges. Because you know, I’m pretty sure that guy just ran into a door.
Manu swats a bat in mid-air
* Am I the only one that feels bad for the bat? While we’re at it, where the hell did a bat come from? And how small was that thing? Was it just a baby bat, frantically search for it’s mother? Sweet Jesus, never mind. I don’t want to think about it anymore.
J.J. has a career night
* I know I’m only supposed to talk about J.J. Redick when someone in the blogosphere mentions Erin Andrews… But, there was that whole time period during the peeping tom thing where Erin was all over the place and I didn’t bring up J.J. once during that time. Mostly because I was too lazy to blog during that time, but still. I’m due and what better time than now when my boy J.J. has a career night for the Orlando Magic. 27 points! 6 rebounds! 5 assists! Pretty nice stats. Of course, one my Facebook friends still had the nerve to ask me, ”You do still know he’s bad though, right?” Tsk tsk! Behave, you! 
R.I.P. Trojans
* My USC Trojans got massacred in Oregon this past weekend. My mother, the Michigan fan, took great glee in this. My sister, the Notre Dame fan, also took great glee in this. Damn it! Damn it all to hell! *shaking fist at the sky* I’m a glass half full kind of girl though, so on a happy note… In NFL action, both the Jets and the Giants LOST! Bwahahahaha… 
What a weekend
* I had a good sports weekend. My Patriots slaughtered the Titans, my Celtics blew out the Raptors, my Trojans squeaked out the win against Notre Dame and my favorite Nascar driver, Jimmie Johnson, won the race in Charlotte and increased his points lead in the chase. All in all, a very upbeat and pleasant weekend for me. The Jets even got their asses handed to them. The cherry on top. Cheers. *clanking my beer can against yours*
Those damn Yankees
* My mom is a true believer. She thinks the Angels have a ghost’s chance in hell of beating the Yankees and getting to the world series. I think she’s crazy. As much as it makes me want to vomit in my mouth a little, the Yankees are clearly the front-runners to win the world series. Oh sweet bloody hell, I think a bolt of lightning just zapped me dead. I can’t finish this thought. I just hope I jinxed them by saying that. *fingers crossed*
Disclaimer: If you don’t watch The Hills, skip this paragraph
* First of all, I know this show is scripted and stupid and most of the people on it are nitwits. That being said, I just have to post some observations and get them out there so they aren’t rattling around in my head anymore. 1 – Since when have Kristin and Spencer’s bimbo bartender been BFF? Suddenly they’re hanging out all the time and the show never bothers to explain why. WTF? 2 – How awkward are those scenes with Audrina, Lo and Stephanie? There’s no good reason that combo would ever be together. Over the years, Lo was never around anyone unless Lauren was there. Come on, MTV. We know it’s not real-real, but still.
Domination. Hello, my friend. I have missed you SO MUCH! Don’t leave me again for so long next time, ok?
And to those who say the Patriots ran up the score, I just have to say… *yawn* Take that weak sauce outta here.
Dear famous people,
Nobody gives a rat’s ass if you quit Twitter. While we’re on the subject, stop deleting your Twitter and then changing your mind and creating a new one. That’s stupid. Assuming anyone cares about you enough to follow you twice, it’s still an extra step that you shouldn’t force your fans to take. If you say something on Twitter that makes you sound like a nitwit, just realize that you can never get it back. You must live with it being “out there” like all the times you drunk dialed celebrities more famous than you from Paris Hilton’s Sidekick. If you do decide to leave though, just go away quietly. Don’t put out a press release or in any way advertise your departure… and for the motherfreakin love of James Posey and all that is holy, don’t produce a rap video about it.
No, I wasn’t following Miley Cyrus on Twitter because I’m not 12 years old. But, her stupid “Here’s why I quit Twitter” YouTube rap video did inspire this post.
Oh, you think I’m just lecturing celebrities about their Twitter habits to avoid discussing the double tragedy that took place last Sunday? Ok fine, you would be right.
R.I.P. 2009 Red Sox season.
Patriots still have a chance to get their shit together though. Come on, Tom Brady. Chop chop mister!
I’m back, motherf—ers!
* Boston.com: “But Garnett was not just grinning yesterday, following his first official practice since surgery. He was the gregarious, guffawing Garnett. Patellas and popliteus tendons were forgotten. Garnett trained at full speed, along with everyone else, through about three-quarters of the two-hour workout.” [Read the full article: Full speed ahead for Garnett]
Milk carton caption: Missing combo-guard
* Sigh, poor Delonte. I don’t know what’s going on, but for two straight days my Twitter feed has been full of “Delonte missed practice, unexcused” tweets.
Can we all just agree to ban track suits as wedding attire?
* Khlodom wed on Sunday as expected. The countdown to the inevitable “Lamar & Khloe still love & respect one another immensely, but grew apart due to their busy lifestyles” press release begins.
Wedding inspires Tush to run back to Bush
* Someone was supposed to send Reggie Bush my way when he and Kim K. called it quits several months ago. Unfortunately, he never showed up (aw, shucks) and sources say that after Khloe’s wedding (still wearing her purple “Mrs. & Mrs. Odom” track suit, by the by), Kim flew to NOLA to reunite with her former flame and now they’re back on like donkey kong.
Ok, now Steph has really gone insane
* Vibe reports that Steph went off on Jay-Z again via his 24/7 Starbury Plus channel on Justin TV. Sigh. I like Steph, but I’m not on board with the gay diss. He should know better than that. [Read the full article: Stephon Marbury Drops Another Jay-Z Diss]
Charles Barkley thinks you’re a loser
* During a recent interview with Dan Patrick, Charles Barkley expressed his disapproval towards social media platforms like Twitter and Facebook: ”I’m not a damn loser. I don’t Twitter. I think Twittering and all that Facebook crap … that just makes you a loser. I never said to myself, ‘I wonder what what’s his name is doing today.’” Haha, gotta love him. [Read full article: Barkley says Twitter is for losers, weighs in on T.O., Jordan]
Want to avoid flying bullets? Don’t lurk in the christless bushes
* Two paparazzos are suing Tom Brady & Gisele Bündchen for a cool million smackaroos, claiming that bodyguards (employed by Brady/Bündchen) fired shots at them while they were trying to snap pics at the couple’s wedding in Costa Rica. Citing “physical pain and anguish” the photogs are looking to cash in. Bitch, please. Until you actually have a bullet wound in your butt, don’t distract my quarterback! More on this nonsense at bostonherald.com – Tom Brady: What shots?
Nice piece on Rondo by Holly MacKenzie (@stackmack) for Slam Online
* Slam Online’s definitive ranking of the NBA’s best players places Boston Celtics point guard, Rajon Rondo, at #27.
Standing alongside the other superstars suiting up for the Celtics, there isn’t a star that shines brighter (or that has the longevity), than the one illuminating Rondo’s game.
Damn right. It’s nice to see Rondo get some love. Read it here: slamonline.com – Top 50: Rajon Rondo, no. 27
Steph’s new home, tagline and background
* Steph’s StarburyTV on Justin.tv was apparently suspended for violating the site’s terms of use. You can now catch the show at its new home at http://www.justin.tv/starburyplus. The new mantra is apparently: YOUR IN THE MOMENT RT*. What’s up with professional athletes and spelling & grammar? You’re. Thank you. Also, RT is a Twitter thing. It doesn’t work just anywhere, babe. Nice background though. I imagine that’s what I’ll see on my way into heaven.
Recent Celtics-related articles from boston.com:
Son of a bitch! Son – of – a – biiiiiiiitch!
* Dear Tom Brady, You do remember that losing is NOT an option, right? Especially when the other team has spent the week trash talking you and their head coach is a large buffoon?! Oh and your counterpart on the other side is an inexperienced rookie playing in only his 2nd regular season game. You are a Superbowl winning juggernaut. Act like it for the love of baby Bundchens and all that is holy. You only know WIN, you don’t know LOSE. Right? RIGHT? Your fans are VERY spoiled. Do not make us have to come down to earth and mill around in Mediocreville where other fans reside. I won’t have it. You hear me, mister?! Ok. I’m glad we had this talk. Now, get out there and massacre the competition from here on out! Chop chop! [boston.com - Some days are better than others]
Not the first sign of trouble actually
* Brian Windhorst provides a little more insight into the psyche of Delonte West. According to the article, West is bipolar and despite being wildly popular with both fans and his team, has had an erratic year. Cited are a few things I’d never heard, such as being late to multiple games — including a playoff game. Windhorst says the Cavs have thus far been extremely supportive, but wonders if they will have to draw the line at some point. [cleveland.com - Delonte West's firearms arrest another challenge for the Cleveland Cavaliers]
He needs a pet name. I dub him… “Big Buffoon”
* Michael Crabtree is still holding out on the San Fran 49ers and is now accusing the NY Jets of tampering. YAWN! I don’t really care about that crap. What I do think is interesting though, is Rex Ryan’s reaction when asked about it on ESPN’s Mike & Mike show. He called it “ridiculous” and said, “I wish we were playing them.” What now? You want to play them? That’s chutzpah! Actually, he’s exactly what those sorry ass Jets needed. They needed a guy like to roll into town, grab them by the scruff of the necks and yell into their faces, “Look you bunch of pantywaists, stand up to those bullies and don’t come back here unless you still have your damn lunch money!” I love it. Finally a team I hate worse than the Giants! [allheadlinenews.com - Jets' Coach Ryan Denies Tampering With Holdout Wideout Crabtree]
Khlodom marriage imminent?
* I know this is a stupid story and I keep reporting on it like it’s interesting, but to me, it really is fairly fascinating. When I’m not watching professional sports, I’m usually watching reality television on either Bravo or E! Sure, that might be lame, but you will rip the latest episode of The Rachel Zoe Project from my cold dead hands! Anyway, I am currently up-to-date on Khloe & Kourtney Take Miami on E! So I’m quite sure that I know way more than I should about the sisters Kardashian and their love lives. It always amazes me when people get married after knowing each other only a month or a few months. The odds of it working out forever are not good. Then again, most marriages these days don’t work out anyway, so I guess what the hell. Congrats to the future Mr. and Mrs. Khlodom! [FOXSports.com - Report: Odom engaged to Khloe Kardashian]
