nba musings

Thursday just can’t get here soon enough. I’m watching the WNBA for God’s sake. Sorry, that sounds sexist against my own gender doesn’t it? Sigh. Anyway, here is what the muse™ has been noodling on tonight…

The greatest breakdown of the 2010 NBA Free Agent Summit you will ever see
The always hilarious Doc Funk unveils the real pow-wow taking place between this off-season’s most coveted free agents. The Bosh cameos will have you ROTFL. [Brain on Funk: 2010 NBA Free Agent Summit]

Phil Jackson is dating a mysterious “Buzz”
My mom cracks me up. I’m convinced that if she was consistently funny enough, I’d have a million Twitter followers and my own book & sitcom. Alas, her pearls are generally few and far between, but they still slay me. Tonight she asked me, “Who is this Buzz they’re saying Phil Jackson is dating?” And I say, “Jeanie Buss?” And she’s all like, “Hmmm. No. They said Buzz.” Ok, now that I actually write it down it isn’t so funny. But, at the time… Big chuckles.

Speaking of the Jedi Mind Tricker
Everyone seems to be buzzing (no pun intended*) today about Phil Jackson playing his usual mind games — this time with the Celtics. I’m not exactly sure why any of what he said (basically that the Celtics have a smackdown mentality) qualifies as a mind game. He’s saying something anyone who watches the NBA already knows — including all of the NBA refs. This type of mind game will certainly work of course, if the point of the mind game is to hypnotize your opponent with the obvious. [Boston Globe: Jackson's mind tricks]

Lamar expecting a Baby Ruth? (<– candy pun)
Radar Online reports that Khlodom has a bun in the oven. [Radar Online: Khloe Kardashian 2 Months Pregnant]

What’s-his-face flirts with Cleveland
Tongues are wagging over King Crabdribble reportedly telling Larry King that the Cavaliers have the edge in signing him. Sweet Jesus, he’s a tease. I bet he has the ole Lebron-O-Meter bookmarked, just for giggles. [Fanhouse: LeBron James to Larry King: Cavs 'Have an Edge']

*Or was that pun intended? /jedi-mind-tricked

I’m so bored. Is this what my evenings are going to be like without the NBA? Mindless Internet surfing and Twitter feed perusing? Wait, that’s what I do all the time anyway. It’s just that usually the NBA is on the TV in my left eye’s periphery and not an all day Monk marathon. Anyway, here is what
the muse™ has been noodling on tonight…

Just when you think T.J. Simers is the biggest dipshit columnist in L.A.
It’s since been removed, but L.A. Times columnist Ted Green (some no-name guy getting lots and lots of free publicity today) wrote a seemingly benign column about all the reasons Laker fans should hate the Celtics (like they need a list? Really? The 2008 ass kicking wasn’t reason enough for people?) until the part where he made fun of Paul Pierce getting stabbed. Yes, that’s right… getting stabbed is funny! Sigh. Dumbass. [NESN: Los Angeles Times Writer Jokes About Paul Pierce's Stabbing]

I’m sorry, but Perk is adorable
This is a non-story really, but I don’t care what Perk thinks… He’s cute as a button. [Ball Don't Lie: Kendrick Perkins is ugly, according to Kendrick Perkins]

Revenge is a dish best served lukewarm
If you follow Matt Barnes on Twitter (and if you’re not, you should be — he’s not big on censoring himself and it’s fabulous) then you know that he’s been simmering like a tea kettle for the last couple of months over some beef with the ladies of VH-1′s Basketball Wives. Well, I guess the pot finally boiled over:

Seasons over I’m waitn 4 one of u bball groupies 2 say sumthen NOW!! No 1 would know any of u if u kept ur legs closed. B EZ tricks!!!

Hmmm, that’s it? That’s the big truth he threatened to divulge about these women after the season was over — that he thinks they’re groupie whores? Gosh Matt, why don’t you just tell me that you think the sky is blue while you’re at it? It would be equally news breaking. [James Poling: Matt Barnes Challenges Groupies and Tricks on Twitter to Keep Their Legs Closed]

And read this awesome guest post from Sarah Tolcser (@ticktock6, hornetshype.com):

She Got Game Too: Is the NBA Dance Bracket’s Time Up?

As I stated in the comments, I think all guys need to do is imagine a world where all their team gear options are baby blue and they’d instantly get it. Team gear should be in team colors. To assume women will only wear team gear if it is pink is insulting and incredibly misguided. This doesn’t just apply to the NBA either. MLB, NFL, hell even NHL need to get the memo too. Why did it take Alyssa Milano to get major league baseball to finally sell something that fits? Were there not hardcore female baseball fans out there before she arrived on the scene? Gah, I’m all riled up. Anyway, get on over to HP to read Sarah’s article… go on, git!

See also: Ticktock6, Being a Girl Up in Here And Stuff

I’m back, motherf—ers!
* Boston.com: “But Garnett was not just grinning yesterday, following his first official practice since surgery. He was the gregarious, guffawing Garnett. Patellas and popliteus tendons were forgotten. Garnett trained at full speed, along with everyone else, through about three-quarters of the two-hour workout.” [Read the full article: Full speed ahead for Garnett]

Milk carton caption: Missing combo-guard
* Sigh, poor Delonte. I don’t know what’s going on, but for two straight days my Twitter feed has been full of “Delonte missed practice, unexcused” tweets.

Can we all just agree to ban track suits as wedding attire?
* Khlodom wed on Sunday as expected. The countdown to the inevitable “Lamar & Khloe still love & respect one another immensely, but grew apart due to their busy lifestyles” press release begins.

Wedding inspires Tush to run back to Bush
* Someone was supposed to send Reggie Bush my way when he and Kim K. called it quits several months ago. Unfortunately, he never showed up (aw, shucks) and sources say that after Khloe’s wedding (still wearing her purple “Mrs. & Mrs. Odom” track suit, by the by), Kim flew to NOLA to reunite with her former flame and now they’re back on like donkey kong.

Ok, now Steph has really gone insane
* Vibe reports that Steph went off on Jay-Z again via his 24/7 Starbury Plus channel on Justin TV. Sigh. I like Steph, but I’m not on board with the gay diss. He should know better than that. [Read the full article: Stephon Marbury Drops Another Jay-Z Diss]

Charles Barkley thinks you’re a loser
* During a recent interview with Dan Patrick, Charles Barkley expressed his disapproval towards social media platforms like Twitter and Facebook: ”I’m not a damn loser. I don’t Twitter. I think Twittering and all that Facebook crap … that just makes you a loser. I never said to myself, ‘I wonder what what’s his name is doing today.’” Haha, gotta love him. [Read full article: Barkley says Twitter is for losers, weighs in on T.O., Jordan]

NBA Musings gets around
* Nat from Heels on Hardwood was nice enough to ask me to write up a Celtics preview for her blog. It was fun to actually start thinking about basketball again. This off-season has been crazy long. You can scope that out @ Heels on Hardwood – Match Ups – Toronto Raptors v/s Boston Celtics

Update 9/19: Zoe has been found! Yayyyy!
Help find Zoe! * John from Red’s Army has an adorable boston terrier named Zoe who is lost. If you live in the Foxboro, MA area or surrounding area, please visit this special blog and see how you can help: http://missingzoe.wordpress.com/. Today’s tip: If you see her, please call Foxboro Animal Control at 508-384-2523 BEFORE trying to approach her.  She’s a timid little dog.  She might be more likely to run off than walk over.

There’s actual new Celtics news? What hell you say?
* The Boston Globe recently posted a couple of Celtics tidbits. The first is about KG and his progress recovering from knee surgery. Sigh. I know it’s unrealistic, but I had kind of hoped his health wouldn’t be an issue once the season started. The second update has to do with Rondo and his contract extension. Actually, there isn’t much actual news on that. Just a confirmation that Danny Ainge plans to talk to Rondo’s agent and they may or may not be on the same page. Read the full articles @ The Boston Globe – Garnett making progress | Ainge to Rondo: We’ll talk

Kerry Rhodes is writing checks with his mouth
* So… apparently Kerry Rhodes is running his mouth about embarrassing the New England Patriots and rattling Tom Brady. Now, there was a time in the not-so-distant past when I would have called out Rhodes for being a yap-yap poodle better at flapping his gums than playing football. But, I’ve evolved. Like a veteran, I just grin and shake my head. I am content to pat him on the head like he’s a sassy toddler and say, “Awww, you’re so cute.” *wink* The quotables can be perused @ The Boston Globe – Rhodes wants to embarrass Patriots

This just in: Michael Jordan is a vindictive bitch
* While I was away, trying to resolve my domain relocation drama, Michael Jordan was inducted into the basketball hall of fame. I watched his speech while yacking it up with the peeps on Twitter and I thought he sounded like an ungracious ass. Other people didn’t have a problem with it. Actually, I didn’t have a problem with it either. I just thought he was being himself. One time, my mom and I were watching a Lakers game and she turned to me and said, “I don’t like Kobe. He’s not nice like Michael Jordan.” Wow. So, not only can my mom not pronounced Yao Ming’s name correctly to save her life, she actually thinks Michael Jordan is “nicer” than Kobe Bryant. Only someone who knows nothing about MJ would say that. He was, is and will always be – a dick. But, you know that line in Heathers when Veronica asks Heather Duke why she’s such a megabitch? Well her response is exactly what MJ would probably say, “Because I can be.” Mike Wilbon has a similar take. Read it @ The Washington Post – The Speech: That’s MJ

Kanye to NBAMusings.com: You ain’t no Beyonce (via Kanyelicio.us)

If you can’t believe a boozed out bisexual internet phenom, who can you believe?
* Depending on who you believe, Tila Tequila was either choked out and unlawfully restrained by “boyfriend,” Shawne Merriman – or – respectfully detained by an “acquaintance” only interested in keeping her from driving while intoxicated. More on this tawdry tale… Shawne Merriman’s lawyer: LB was seeking ride for ‘extremely intoxicated’ Tila Tequila | NFL’s Merriman accused of choking girlfriend Tila Tequila

Slick Rick
* Rick Fox is joining Melrose Place. And the jokes will clearly just write themselves.

He said, he said
* While I was away from blogdom and Twitterdom, there was a sad and tragic breakup! Ashton & Demi? No, worse! Steph and Mooncricket!! Noooooo! What the heck happened? I can only imagine. Amusingly though, the two decided to take to their respective Twitters to air it out. From what I can gather, Mooncricket got pissed about something and left casa de Starbury. Steph then implored him to come back or at least pick up the phone and call him. Alas though, it appears to be over. Oh the humanity!

Beckett bites the big one (No! I will NOT say, “pause.” That is stupid. STUPID!, I say.)
* My boyfriend, Josh Beckett, appears to be in the midst of a tragic slump. I tried to watch today’s game (CWS 5, BOS 1), but just couldn’t do it. The Josh Beckett that I know and love, rips opposing hitters’ hearts out, throws them to the ground and spits on them. I don’t want to remember him any other way.

A watched kettle finally boils
* Finally! Marquis Daniels signs on the dotted line. I like what I’m hearing from him so far: “Not many people get a chance to play with Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Rasheed Wallace. It’s a good opportunity and I’ll worry about the money later. Right now we have to worry about one thing, and that’s winning the championship this season.” Sounds like a smart guy to me. Now, lets get this season started! I’m tired of waiting. This off-season has been WAY TOO LONG! More from Boston.com: Celtics get their man

ps. Brad Penny sucks weenies
* Don’t you just love it when a guy loses games for you all season long, then gets released and pitches gems for their new team? You don’t? Yeah, me either. Suck it, Brad Penny!!

^ I won’t miss these god awful puns… at all! ^

Say it ain’t so, Ocho
* He’ll be back. Like a moth to the flame…

I’m 5’4″ and I could probably guard J.J. Redick
* In an article in today’s WaPo, Washington Redskins star, DeAngelo Hall brags about shutting down J.J. Redick back in their AAU days about 10 years ago. Hilariously, he seems to think this was a great accomplishment. I hate to break it to him, but an egg salad sandwich could have guarded J.J. provided it had its running shoes on to chase him around screens all night. I can see if he beat Kobe one-on-one or something, but come on now. What’s next? Boasting about beating his grandma at Wii? Full article: Hall Claims He Gave J.J. Redick ‘That Work’

Personally, I think picking your favorite Yankee is like choosing a favorite turd, but that’s just me
* Mike Lupica thinks Derek Jeter is having a “season for the ages.” Puke. No, I have nothing else to say on the subject. I’m mainly posting this to compare Yankees to turds. Carry on. [H/T Deadspin] Full article: Yankees captain Derek Jeter having season for ages at 35

You mean Shaq isn’t really the lovable baffoon we all think he is? What hell, you say?
* The Arizona Republic’s Dan Bickley takes on the Big Shaqtus and has a word of warning for the city of Cleveland about welcoming a guy who hasn’t exactly ever embraced the sidekick role with open arms over the years. Even though some of this comes off as a personal attack born from sour grapes, I still found it insightful. Shaq definitely has a way of wiping away all past sins with his sense of humor and charisma. Full article: Bickley: Cleveland, beware of Shaq the Hack

Last, but certainly not least…
* Happy 75th Birthday, Tommy Heinsohn! More love for Tommy: CelticsBlog, LOY’s Place

I think I’m going to pitch an idea to FOX for a reality show singing competition
* If this story really played out as reported, Shaq has some extra large sized cajones. I can only imagine that in his own head he heard the idea and said to himself: “Great idea. But, nobody wants to see whimpy Steve Nash take on the world’s greatest athletes. He’s Canadian and not the least bit quotatious. Only a shaqalicious-sized megastar could pull off a show like this. I think I’ll steal it. Mwahahaha.” The Arizona Republic has all the dirty details in: Shaq’s behind-the-back move

Blogger news
* @docfunk not only has the funniest one-liners I’ve ever read on Twitter, but has also recently joined Washington Wizards based blog, Truth About It. Check out the inaugural post in: More Juice Please: Why Butler Should Shoot As Much As Arenas

Like a cat walking on its hind legs and other improbabilities
* I love me some Ochocinco, but who the hell does he think he is kicking PATs against my beloved New England Patriots? Tsk, tsk, tsk! Apparently ole Ocho fancies himself a soccer player. More about that from The Boston Globe in: Ochocinco gets kick out of win

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before
* You know that time in high school when your ivy league bound boyfriend broke up with you and ignored you until you started dating the captain of the football team? Then he called you at the eleventh hour and asked you to prom? Evans Clinchy of NESN.com breaks it down in: Powe’s Departure Not About Years or Money

Some of my best friends are… dancers
* Brendan Haywood’s recent homophobic comments about Stephon Marbury bring to mind the semi-recent caveman squawkings of Shavlik Randolph. You know, the whole “Don’t drop the soap around this guy” kind of nonsense. I will tell Haywood what I told Randolph… Don’t flatter yourself. Anyway, Bethlehem Shoals discusses new media’s double-edged sword for The Baseline in: Is Brendan Haywood Really Worried About Starbury’s Sexuality or Something Else?. UPDATE: Kelly Dwyer also adds his insightful two cents for Ball Don’t Lie in: Brendan Haywood isn’t fully informed

Brett Favre is like a fart in church. You want to ignore him, but you can’t
What’s more old and tired than Brett Favre? Bitching about Brett Favre every time he faux retires and then makes a triumphant comeback. Yet still, every single time, I cannot help but throw my hands up in disgust when he un-retires again. If returning to football was a sick child, I would accuse Favre of suffering from Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome. He’s addicted to the attention (now primarily negative) and nothing short of a full body cast is going to keep him from returning to football. Again. (And again, and again, and again…) Mike Florio reports for Pro Football Talk that: Favre is on a plane to Minnesota

Get your rent checks ready!
* Well, he probably won’t get that much playing time… But still, it’s pretty cool that the landlord is coming to town. Being the diehard J.J. Redick fan that I am, I’ve seen lots and lots of Shelden Williams on the college level. He was like the Robin to J.J.’s Batman back then. Well, maybe Greg Paulus was the Robin… Bad analogy. Anyway, I’m excited that Shelden is getting another chance to do something at the NBA level. This would appear though, to perhaps be his last chance to show what he can do. He’s bounced around since being drafted 5th (crazy weak ass draft that saw Adam Morrison and Shelden Williams both go in the top 5) by the Atlanta Hawks. It was funny today trying to explain to a coworker who Shelden Williams is. This is how it went: 1.) He went to Duke! 2.) He’s married to Candace Parker! 3.) Ummm, I can’t remember who he played for last. He’s played for at least 3 or 4 teams, I think! His name never did ring a bell with her. Guess it’s not that surprising. Anyway, as much as I love Shelden, I don’t understand picking him up over extending Leon a qualifying offer.

Speaking of the backup love of my life
* Slam reported this morning that the Cavs have offered a deal to Leon Powe. Then on Ball Don’t Lie, Skeets posted an example of what a future article might read like if that deal does come to fruition. Just stab me in the heart and twist it around why don’t you? Seriously. That “article” made me want to vomit chunks. Mostly because it’s so accurate. I want another team to pick up Leon if the Celtics aren’t going to, but I really didn’t want it to be the Cavs or Lakers. When they let James Posey go to NOLA, I was totally ok with that because the Hornets aren’t in the conference. I hoped that Powe would end up with Sacramento or if it had to be in the conference, then on some innocuous team like the Miami Heat. This sucks monkeychunks. It really frosts my cupcakes that Danny Ainge doesn’t call me at home and run all moves by me.

24/7 just ain’t happenin’
* I’m noticing more and more when I go to check on Steph on his Starbury TV 24/7 channel that he’s not there. By and large, that has to be a good thing. On the other hand, when he does show up he immediately goes back to the usual script and soundtrack. Occasionally though, he goes on some interesting off-script diatribes. Last night, he went off on Yao Ming of all people. I was trying to remember exactly what he said, but as luck would have it, someone posted it to YouTube. My favorite part is where he compares himself to a bowling ball. Please to enjoy:

Source: YouTube/DDKTien

What’s good around the blogosphere:

Gotta love that bonus track
Nat from Heels on Hardwood comes up with the ideal playlist for Bryan Colangelo’s summer in: Bryan Colangelo’s iPod Playlist – Summer 2009

This post must have taken forever to write!
Zach Harper, the Energizer bunny behind Talkhoops.net (and Cowbell Kingdom) ranks this year’s off-season moves in: It’s a List! Ranking the Off-Season Moves